The way it is suppose to be

As you might know this year has been a struggle for me. I know I might seem like I have it all together, but I suffer from this illness as much as everyone else. This past year started with my dear Mother-in-law being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and is ending with me once again recovering from surgery. Along the way good things did happen...my cousin got married, our oldest got his masters in molecular pathology and got a job and we connected with some family members that we had missed, to name a few. And some sad things happened...my Mother-in-law passed away, my husbands sister is now estranged from the family thru her own choice and I have had some health issues.

Right now I am struggling with the fact that I wanted to have 2011 be the year that I had no major medical problems (2010 was pretty bad) and well...that ship has sailed already. I also miss my Mother-in-law a lot, especially at this time of the year. This was her time...she loved the holidays. Being Jewish, I never had a Christmas, but since Hubs is Catholic once we got together I had my first Christmas. She let me be a kid on Christmas morning, even though it was in a spectator capacity (yes we did gifts). It was also the 25th anniversary of my son Eric's birth and death, which just happened and I really don't think I have dealt with yet.

It's the time of the year to reflect back on the past year and this year there's a lot that I have learned, quite a few things that I have started working on, as well as things to work on in the future. I have not been successful in every endeavor, but I did try to learn something from each thing I attempted. That is who I am...I try to learn and teach, it's just built into me.

This year I learned that:
I am strong
I am not alone in the world
I can't do much about my past mistakes, but I can learn from them
Life is too short to let those negative feelings in
I am in charge of me, I make my own decisions and no one else
I am loved by my family for being who I am
I am going to make mistakes, it's part of life
I can't give from empty
Don't sweat the small stuff
Take victory in each little step, no matter how small
I can not change people, I can only change myself
And many more things that elude me at this time.

I know these to be true, although I still struggle to remember them.
I think everyone should write a list of what you have learned this year about yourself. This is how we change and grown, which I believe is an essential part of life.

More importantly I learned this:
That sometimes I am suppose to feel sad, mad, angry and afraid to name a few feelings. Yes these are what I consider negative feelings, but they are also a part of life and everyone feels them sometimes. What I have tried to share with you this year is ways to 'talk back' to your bad feelings, since people who suffer from depression and anxiety usually have a harder time letting go of these feelings.

For instance I went to my Psychiatrist (PDoc) after I got back from my month in New York which ended with my Mother-in-laws death. I told her about the major panic attack I had after the funeral. It started when we went to Eric's grave site. By the time we got to the car, I was in full blown panic mode. When we got back to the house I went right to the bedroom and to sleep. She said 2 things...first she was proud that I didn't call her for an emergency pill (she said she would have given me some if I had asked), but more importantly she said that was OK, I was probably suppose to feel like that on that day at that moment. She also remarked that I was able to handle it by going to bed for a while. She has said that more than once since, about other panicky times I have had this year. I am learning that sometimes I'm feeling what I am suppose to feel. There are times that having these feelings and emotions what we need.

As it says in Turn Turn Turn
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

It seems to me that although we suffer from a horrible illness and we want our meds and therapy to 'fix' us, that there are times we need to 'feel'. Now I am going to get on my soapbox for a moment...If what you are doing to 'fix' yourself, be it meds and/or therapy, is not working...it might be time for a change. A new PDoc, a talk with your PDoc about your concerns, using a PDoc instead of a family doctor (I am not slamming family doctors, they just don't have the knowledge and experience to handle most cases), changing therapist, starting therapy to name a few. But please think about your treatment and be your own best advocate for your treatment. If it's working for you, like it is me, that's great. My wish is for everyone to find wonderful PDoc and therapist. And if you don't know where to look, there are places to call. Every state and I would think area has mental health help. It might be hard to find, there are services out there. And there's always the phone.

And while we are on the subject (OK maybe I am not off the soap box yet) do some research. It overwhelmingly shows that meds alone do not do the trick. You need to learn how to cope with your feelings and find ways to train your brain to think differently. Please think about this over the next few weeks. I am not saying that everyone needs a therapist (I know the cost could be prohibitive), but there's other ways to work on yourself. Reading, journaling, etc.

I just wanted to share these thoughts with you. And would love to hear your thoughts.

Also I know I dropped the ball on the book...another lesson is on its way, I promise.

Hugs

Assignment #2

How did you do with the first assignment? Did you learn anything? I found that chapter eye opening because I never realized how I was sabotaging myself. I saw myself in quite a few of those twisted forms of thinking. Did you?

These next 2 weeks we will finish the first part of the book on Understanding Your Moods. I am sure you can see that you have to be able to understand that you have a problem before you can get help for it. Don't despair, we will be on the chapter about changing the way you feel soon enough.

For now I would like you to read chapter 3 and 4 (pages 49 - 69) and do the exercise on page 51. You will probably see yourself in 1 or 2 of these types of mood disorders. Please remember that this does not take the place of a doctors diagnosis, but will help you understand which mood disorder you have once diagnosed. For instance there are 7 different types of Anxiety and Panic disorders and 4 different types of depression. I found it very interesting not only to see what I did have but mostly to see what I didn't have. I am the glass half full type of person so any bit in that glass was great!

I'll check in with you next week and until then remember to...

"Make Today a Great Day No Matter What!"

Nowhere...

Have you started reading The Feeling Good Handbook yet?

I want to talk about a passage on page 4. On the top of the page it says

"If you want to feel better, you must realize that your thoughts and attitudes-not external events-create your feelings. You can learn to change the way you think, feel, and behave in the here-and-now. That simple but revolutionary principal can help change your life."

You know how I love to take a word and break it down to mean something else? When I was in IOP I learned this little bit of word play.

Do you ever feel like your are going NOWHERE? If you are NOWHERE then you are not in the here and now, and according to the passage above if you can change your thought process you can live in the here and now, instead of the past or even the future.

This is what I do with the word NOWHERE...I say it really means Now Here. Do you see how adding a space changes the meaning? Turn it around and it means in the here and now. Think about this the next time you are feeling like you are going nowhere in your life. Really challenge yourself and ask what is making you feel like you are nowhere? As we go thru the book we will learn more ways to help ourselves. But for now just try to figure out which of the 10 forms of twisted thinking is making you feel like you are nowhere.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

Sha :)

Lesson #1

Welcome to the Anxiety and Depression group. In this group we will be going thru 'The Feeling Good Handbook' by Dr David D Burns. If you don't have the book yet there's a link on the sidebar to the right.

I would like to preface the start of this group with some information. I am not a doctor or therapist, I am someone who has been thru a lot and am passionate about helping others thru support and education. I believe in cognitive behavioral therapy, which is what the book is about. It's all about teaching ourselves to think differently to reduce our anxiety and learn to deal with our depression symptoms. I will be sharing my experiences with you. There are also a few resources on the sidebar for more information. If you feel like those don't help please let me know and I will try to point you in the right direction.

Today we will begin our journey together. Every 2 weeks I will post another lesson. Feel free to go thru the book at your own pace. You can post your feelings and thoughts here or email me directly with anything you want to chat about. If you want the whole group to get the email just let me know and I will forward it anonymously. I see this group as a support group where we can all support each other. If you don't want to comment that's OK too...this is your group and you do what feels right to you.

I would like you to start by reading the preface and introduction. Then take the Burns Anxiety Inventory and the Burns Depression Checklist on pages 43 - 48. I suggest writing the answers in a note book instead of the book. It's best not to know what your last answer was. Then add the numbers up to see your score. The score won't mean anything until there are several to compare them too.

Then you can begin the book. Part one 'Understanding Your Moods' is where we will be starting. In this chapter you will read about different emotions that cause depression and anxiety. I am sure you will see yourself in some of these emotions either currently or in the past. I find it helpful to jot notes and things I am feeling in the margin of the book. It's like a snapshot of what the specific passage means to me. Following that the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking are shown. This book is based on these ways that we think and we will learn how to change them using different techniques. I suggest you read thru page 31. There will be quite a bit of questions to answer. Just be honest with your answers. The book doesn't give an answer key because its your therapy and its your way of thinking, in other words there's no right or wrong answers. If you don't want to do that much its fine, go at your own pace. You can do a few pages at a time, whatever works for you.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the book. I hope it helps you as much as me.

Sha :)

Journaling

Do you journal? As part of this new group forming (see the past 2 posts) you will be going thru The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns. This book has many questions to answer and worksheets to help you understand exactly what you are feeling and how it affects you. As you can tell writing your feelings and questions you have and the answers to questions in the book will be important.

So to get the ball rolling I think you should try journaling. A journal is just somewhere that you write your feelings or things that happened to you or anything you want to write. There is no right or wrong in journaling...it's your journal so you make the rules. You also decide if you will re-read what you journal. As a rule I don't usually re-read my journal until much later (months later if ever). Some people do and some don't, again there are no right and wrong answers to this. Plus you might change your mind from day to day, that's ok too.

Are you stumped how to start? First find a quiet place. This is your time. Even if you have little ones in the house please try to find 5 minutes to do this. Maybe it could be before bed or maybe when the kids are watching a video or napping. Then simply start with
Hi...Today I did... or Today I felt...

Don't over think about what to write, just write. It might feel wierd at first but I think you will learn to love it. And it doesn't have to take a long time. If all you have is 5 minutes then that's all you need to write for. Some days you might not have much to write and other days you might write a book. I do suggest that you commit to writing everyday for a week. It's like exercising...at first it is difficult to get into it, but after a few days its easier to go to the gym. A week will give you time to get used to it.

So as your first assignment I would like you to try journaling. Really try. Even if you have tried before this time might be different.

And remember to email me when you get the book so I can add you to the list.

Hugs,
Sha

More on the support group

Hi everyone!

Here's a little more on the anxiety/depression group forming.

Since anxiety and depression go hand in hand this book covers both. You will find all the lessons beneficial for both.

Once you have the book please email me to this email address
anxietytherapy at yahoo dot com or click the word email above
In the email please put your name (first only), and if you want to be anonymous. If you do want to be anonymous I will put your email in the BCC part of the email.

If you want to talk about the current pages we are going thru or anything else there's several options. You can email the group with a reply all, email certain people who you are comfortable with or post here. But remember if you post here your post will be public.

My hope with this group is that we will all learn how to talk back to the feeling that make us depressed or anxious and will learn to cope and maybe even avoid putting our selves in  situations that are not good for us.

I do require that what is said in this group is kept within the group and not spoken about with outsiders. I also ask that we be supportive and not judgemental. We all have problems with different things, what bothers me may not bother others. This will be a safe place to work on those things.

Once I have that your I will put you on the list. I will only be using that email address for this group.

I plan on starting the group officially on Oct 16th, but I will be doing some stuff this week and next week to get us started.

A new group starting

Over the past few weeks I have started to have more panic attacks and realized that I need help. I went back to therapy and went to see my doctor. She changed my meds a tiny bit, which has helped.

Last time I was in therapy I went thru The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns.  This book uses the cognitive behavioral therapy model which in my mind is the best way to fight back again these feelings.  

This is what I propose:
Every 2 weeks or so I will post some 'homework', saying which pages we are doing. The book has lots of worksheets to fill out and questions to answer. I may add some other PDF worksheets to help you also. There will be an email list and we can email each other what we think or are struggling with pertaining to that section. If you don't want your name or email known you can email me and I will send it out anonymously for you. I do ask that anything spoken about in this group stays in this group. I would like this group to act as a support group, while we are getting stronger everyday.

If you are interested in joining this group email me and I will get you started.
You will need the book, I will give you 2 weeks to get it and we will start on October 16th.

Note - I am not a therapist, but can lead us thru this book and facilitate this group.

Sha :)

Depression...

Over the past few week I have been in a funk. I would be energetic one moment and then crash and burn and end up in bed a few minutes later. Have you ever felt like that? I know I have before and it scared the bejeebers out of me this time. I know all the signs of depression and thought I would be able to spot it, but I was not prepared for how fast it came on this time. 1 week I am cooking, cleaning and quilting and the next I am spending 4 - 6 hours in bed every afternoon. I also went back to therapy and the first thing my therapist said was that I needed to go see my Psychiatrist (whom I had just seen 3 weeks earlier and things were fine then). I filed that away for a future thing to do, after all I was doing 'talk' therapy again so things were bound to get better.

Fast forward to Wednesday. My wonderful Husband called me to remind me of my appointment and found me crying on the other end of the phone. I was so tired, there was no way I could drive myself the 3 miles to my therapist appointment. That's when I realized I needed more help. Hubs had a light day at work so he was able to come home to bring me to the appointment, meanwhile I called my doctor in tears and they had an opening later that day (did I mention I love love love my doctor?). So I went to see my therapist who was very glad that I made the doctors appointment and then we went to the doctors office.

At first we had thought that my funk was just part of the natural grieving process (my Mother-in-law passed away on June 28th), but this felt eerily familiar and not in a good way. I am very lucky that I have a doctor who listens to me and wants to keep me out of the hospital this time. So we came up with a plan of action starting with increasing the dosage of one of the meds I take. I am starting to feel a little less depressed, although I feel sick from the higher dosage, but that should go away after a while.

Why am I telling you this? It's a reminder that you need to know the signs of depression and make sure those around you are educated too. And when you start to feel a change get help immediately. Medicines stop working sometimes and its important to know how to handle this. I suggest that everyone have a plan to handle this if it does happen to you. The other important thing is to have a good relationship with your doctor, it's a partnership that you are both in to get you better.

I know you all know this, but its a good thing to hear again.

Sha :)

How I have been feeling

As you might know we lost my mother-in-law. This was terribly hard to deal with, paired with my mental illness, it just made it worse. I was able to get thru the month we were in NY before she passed and the funeral with little incident, but once i got home things changed. I have been pretty stable for the past 2.5 years, honestly if you met me you would never know that I suffer from depression or anxiety. I like to think of myself as in remission.

These past 2 weeks have been especially hard. I am tired all the time and take a fairly long nap almost every day. I also do not really want to do anything. Yes it is hot here, but its not even the heat, I just don't want to do anything. Then I went to a guild meeting and was very uncomfortable there and for no apparent reason. Do you ever feel this way?

Being me and having gone thru what I have gone thru with mental illness I know the signs of depression and anxiety and so do my husband and kids. Yes it does seem that the depression and anxiety are creeping back into my life. So I started thinking of ways to handle this without starting a new medicine or changing any of it. Historically I have to be hospitalized to change my medicine cocktail and I am just not willing to go there. I want to handle this better than in the past.

Here's what I have been doing to help:
1. When I am tired I still allow myself to sleep, but as soon as I wake up I get out of bed. Yesterday I slept 4 hours and felt so much better when I got up, Hubs even commented on it. Sometimes my body just needs the rest. But I do not stay in bed. I make bed for sleeping only.
2. Make sure I take my meds at the right time everyday. This sounds like a given, but I know that its very easy for me to just not take the meds.
3. Make myself clean the kitchen. Even though I might not feel like it, I make myself do it. I am home during the day so at a minimum I need to make sure the kitchen is cleaned. When I put a dish in the sink I have to tell myself that it only take 20 seconds to put that dish in the dishwasher. It sounds corny, but doing even a small thing helps me feel better. And really how long does it take to fill and empty the dishwasher? I can live thru 10 - 15 minutes a day of cleaning.
4. Cook dinner. You know I love to cook, but when depression creeps up on me that's the first thing that goes. By the end of the day I am too tired to even think about what to make. My strategy is to make a plan in the morning for dinner. For me not having to make a decision late in the day is good. Plus I can't expect my Husband to work all day and then come home and deal with dinner too. He did that for years when I was undiagnosed and I don't ever want to take advantage of him in that way again. If that means that I have to run to the grocery store for a few things then that's what I do. There's a grocery store right around the corner that I can get to and get home within 30 minutes. I can spare 30 minutes to make my husbands day easier.
5. Once the things that I have to do are done I try to do something that is fun. Usually this is sewing or quilting. Some days I only sew a few seams and others I sew for hours. I have realized that it is good for my soul to sew. Or I will watch some TV. Not in bed though, that is only for sleeping.
6. Try not to over react. When I came home from the meeting on Monday I was very upset. I didn't feel too comfortable and felt that I was being dismissed and was rude to. It took me a while to understand that I was having social anxiety and that it was 'all in my head'. 

Since I am very educated about my illness I know the signs of depression and anxiety and am doing what I can to combat it. I encourage you to learn the signs and symptoms. Education is empowering yourself to take control of your illness.

I have spoken to and emailed with quite a few people lately that just don't want to get up or do anything. I encourage you to MAKE yourself do something. Even the smallest thing will make you feel better. If you need support email me and I will be your biggest cheerleader. (I will also suggest that you see a doctor.) I know its hard, believe me I would love to stay in bed all day, but I MAKE myself do things. I stop myself from making excuses. For too long I didn't drive because that's where my anxiety was, but once I started driving down the road I realized that I can do it and that it was just easier to wait for someone else to take care of all these things.

I hope you can take what I have talked about and will give Making yourself do things a try.

Sha

PS I am not writing to anyone specific, although there are quite a few followers/friends who are struggling with the same things I am. I just hope that sharing this will encourage others.

I'm not even sure what to call this post, but I feel ready to start back again. This past month has been hard, I have never had to deal with losing a parent and it has been difficult to deal with at times. But I feel that if I keep up with this blog it will help me as well as you so, I am back :). Instead of sharing a tidbit on getting well I am going to talk about my day yesterday and what I did to work thru it.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Hubs was gone all last week and it was the first time in many years that I was all alone in the house. With him gone I didn't sleep well, not because I was scared of being alone in the house, but because I was staying up way too late to get a restful night, which leads me to 

lesson #1...Getting sleep is of utmost importance. Staying up late made me too tired the next day. Being tired made me cranky, which then made me not be able to sleep the next night...see the cycle?

With not sleeping I began to get tired during the day and the last few days I took naps, pretty lengthy ones. Everyday I wanted to stay in bed longer and longer. I didn't want to do much quilting, or any cooking at all, two of my most favorite things in the world to do. Over the weekend I got away with not cooking, but I knew if I didn't make the meatballs that I had gotten ingredients for, the ground beef and sub rolls would probably not be good the next day. I knew that would make me feel even worse and would let Hubs down since he really wanted meatball subs, so I forced myself to get up after my nap. I had to talk myself into getting up by saying to myself "how hard would it be to spend 30 minutes cooking?" or "It's not fair to Hubs to make him get takeout after he worked all those hours" and stuff like that. It was hard to do, but I knew that I would feel better when I did get up. I planned on a time that I had to start and believe me I stayed in bed till that exact minute. And when I was done cooking (it only took like 30 minutes to do), I wasn't anymore tired than I was before, I had survived! As a matter of fact I felt better that I did something.

lesson #2...Make yourself do something everyday. You can do it, I promise you will survive! You might feel anxious and scared, but you will feel better even taking the smallest step. If you don't feel comfortable driving then just go outside for a few minutes, maybe walk around the back yard. Start small, 15 minutes at a time and add on to that. When I first started getting out again I would go to Sonic or Starbucks and get a drink. It took no more than 15 minutes, but did make me feel better about myself. I felt human again and it felt good!

And after dinner, guess what I did without even thinking? I clean the kitchen! Yes I know that sounds like a given, but in my house the chef doesn't always have to clean. But without even thinking I took care of it all...another step in the right direction!

lesson #3...Doing 1 good thing can turn into another and then another and soon there will be an avalanche of good things happening!

So there you go, that was my day yesterday. Today has been a bit easier, but I am fighting the urge to take a nap right now. I think I will take one, I don't have to cook today (leftovers tonight) but I would like to get some more quilting done before Hubs comes home, so it will (hopefully) be a short one.

I hope this has helped you, we can all do this and stay and be healthy and enjoy life to the fullest!

Sha :)

You Have to Sleep to Cope and Heal

This is a truth for any illness or disease. If you had surgery you would need lots of rest to heal. It's the same with depression and anxiety. Getting thru the day when you have these illnesses can be especially difficult. You need more energy and focus to make it thru the day, at least I do to stay happy and healthy. Getting a good nights sleep is essential to recovery. I get a lot of information from WebMd. Here's a great article on this very topic. http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-sleep-disorder

This explains it all. I want to cover this now to help you on your way to recovery or to simply remind you of this fact.

Sha :)