Be Good to Yourself On Purpose

This is major! 

I had this very long scenario ready to type and decided to keep today's message short and sweet.

Being good to yourself makes you feel good, its simple as that. Think of how you feel after you get a pedicure? Or when you cook a meal just for yourself instead of ordering take out. These are little ways that I am good to myself. These things make me happy, even for a moment and that's what our goal is. After doing a good thing for ourselves we need to realize that we did something good for ourselves. It will help you feel happy, if just in that moment, but a moment of happiness is much better than a moment of sadness.

Sha :)

Each Step is a Victory!

I love this saying! We all need to be reminded of it from time to time. Sometimes we get so caught up in the stuff we have yet to do, that we forget to celebrate the stuff we have already done.

Say you are a quilter and have decided to make a king size quilt using 5" pinwheels. That's a lot of pieces to make into pinwheels, approximately 399 pieces. No matter what, this quilt is going to take a long time to make. From the planning stage to cutting, to piecing and then to putting it all together and quilting it, it will be a lot of work, with many steps involved. At some point in that process most of us would get frustrated that it's taking 'so long' to finish. It's then that we might start dwelling on the enormous task ahead of us, which can cause anxiety. When in reality we should be celebrating what we have accomplished. Did you put 5 pinwheels together? Good for you! That's 5 less to have to make!

The way I see it there's 2 choices I can make:
1. Be anxious about what I have to do. I might say to myself "Why did I even think to make this quilt in this pinwheel pattern?" or "I just wasted $50 on fabric for this quilt that I will never be able to finish". These statements are negative thoughts and create self doubt in ourselves by questioning our plans and abilities. I am sure you will agree that these feelings are negative feelings.
2. Think about what I have accomplished. Did I get the fabric pressed and strips cut? That's two steps completed! Did I cut the fabric strips in to squares to make the pinwheels with? Yay, that's another step done! With each step I am getting closer and closer to finishing.

If the end result is to be victorious and finish the king size quilt, then shouldn't each step be a victory too? It's the steps that we have to celebrate, that keeps the positive feelings going, making us happier and probably more focused on finishing the quilt.

Sha :)

Safety

Do you ever feel scared, afraid or fearful? We all do from time to time, and those of us who suffer from anxiety feel it more often. We have been talking about ways to talk back to our negative feelings. When dealing with fear we might feel overwhelmed, which makes it even harder to handle. With this simple saying you can begin to talk back to your fear and make it less intense and more manageable.

Think about this:
Right here right now I am safe.

This is another one of those 'go to' sayings of mine. My anxiety is all about fear and learning to deal with fear is a major part of my recovery. It reminds me that even though I may feel afraid the chance of being in real danger at that moment is slim. Most of the fear we feel is perceived, meaning we spend much more time worrying about being in danger than time actually being in danger. And this is a good thing. It makes us more vigilant and aware of our surroundings. But when dealing with someone who is anxious, handling that fear is different. I have had to figure out a way to prove to myself that I am indeed safe.

Personally I have trouble driving. Highways scare me, in part because I may cause an accident and in part because others might cause an accident. I think lots of us feel that way. But my fear can result in a panic attack, which is not a good thing to have, especially while driving. If I think about it, moment by moment I can prove to myself that I am safe. Even if I have a close call (someone cutting me off or almost running into me), saying this can prove to myself that I am safe.

A few weeks ago I decided to go to a quilt show in the next city. It wasn't too far, on MapQuest it said 17.7 miles from my house to the place where the quilt show was being held. So off I went, knowing that this would be the furthest I had driven myself in about 4 years. Once I got on the highway I started to get nervous and those panicky feelings started. Before I knew it I was gripping the steering wheel very tightly and my heart was beating faster. I was looking in my rear view mirror all the time and when another car got too close I was very nervous. Then I remembered that "Right here, right now I am safe". Was I scared...you bet I was, but I was in my car safely driving to the quilt show. And when I got to my destination I was both relieved to be there and off the road, but also proud of myself for making the drive alone. It was a great feeling! Yes I was nervous about the drive home, but knowing that I had made it once showed me that I can make it again. Proving this to myself helps keep the panic attacks to a minimum, which is my goal.

Next time you feel afraid try using this tool to show yourself that
Right here right now, you are safe.
Sha :)



What gets you out of a bad mood?

This past weekend my house was full of kids and their friends. Even though I love having them around, that’s usually a lot of stimulation which makes me feel anxious. This happens every time the house is full (that’s one of the drawbacks of being an empty nester and being home alone during the day) I like my quiet time and get cranky if I don’t get it.

Knowing this, a few weeks ago I was thinking of what gets me out of that kind of mood. You know the kind...no matter what someone says or does it gets on your nerves. Then I remembered back to the therapy group I was in. I had made a playlist of my 'happy' songs and shared it with everyone in the group a copy. These songs ranged from show tunes (Put on a Happy Face) to oldies (Your the inspiration by Chicago, which was also our wedding song) to some modern music. The list was just like me, I like lots of different things and hate being pigeon holed. When I remembered that I immediately made a new Happy playlist and started playing it all the time. And before long I started feeling better. I was singing, and dancing around like a teenager again, plus added with sewing/quilting I was one happy camper.

So what I want you to think about is what makes you happy? What is the one thing that brings a smile to your face? It can be a song, a drawing, taking a hot bath, going for a walk or gardening, anything that makes you smile. Because when we smile it brightens our day.

And I would love to know what songs would be on your Happy playlist.

Sha :)

Ask what's going right in your life

Sometime in May was National Depression Week, depending on what web site you looked at it might have been the 1^st – 7^th or this past week. Either way, depression is an important topic to talk about.

Since I am not a mental health professional and am just sharing with you things that have helped me deal with my depression and anxiety, I am not going to go over the signs of depression. If you think you may be suffering from depression or anxiety, I encourage you to write a list of your feelings and thoughts and take them to your doctor to discuss it. I also get some good information from WebMd.  

Today’s topic:

Ask what is going right in your life.

It is human nature to dwell on the negative stuff instead of the positive stuff. I am a ‘fixer’ and want to fix all the negative stuff, big or small, my problems or someone else’s. If I don’t at least think about fixing a problem I start to feel helpless, which is not a good feeling to have. So I try to fix fix fix. This just reinforces what’s not going good in our lives. When we ask ourselves what’s going well for us, it reinforces the good stuff and brings it to the forefront of our minds, which is a great place to be. If you ask yourself the right questions it will lead to a happier day.

Here’s an exercise to get your started and prove that you have more good than bad in your life. Try this:

At least once a day take out a piece of paper and write what your problems are. Big or small it doesn’t matter; remember there’s no right or wrong answers. Then below that start to write what’s good in your life. It can be anything, having a job, feeling good physically, talking to an old or new friend, whatever you have that’s positive in your life. Don’t be shy; write every little thing you can think of. Now which part is bigger? When I do this I always have more on in the good part than bad.  It seems like a silly thing to do, but it’s all about teaching ourselves to think differently and to talk back to the depression. After a few days you will have taught yourself to think about your blessings differently. Those blessings, no matter how small they may seem, are what we should be thinking about more than the negative stuff. Once you train yourself to think this way you will be happier, which is what the goal is. And when you ask yourself what's right in your life the answers will come easier. This would be a great exercise to do in your journal if you have started journaling.

Let me know if you have tried this and if it has worked.

Sha J

Healing Letters

When I was going thru group therapy 4 years ago (wow has it been that long ago?) I was given quite a few tools to help me. This 'letter' was an assignment and one that I found very helpful and used several times in my healing process. This is a letter with prompts, you simply fill in the prompts.

The first step is deciding who or what you are writing to or about. The first one I wrote was to my son Eric who passed away when he was 1 week old. Right now I am a little upset that I can't find that specific Healing Letter, but I am sure it will turn up. I have also written one to each of my other children, my husband and even to depression. The letter outline can be found in the tab at the top that says Healing letter.

Remember that this letter is for you. There's no rules, just write what's in your heart. You don't even have to re-read it if you don't want to, however I think I always re-read these. You can also decide if you want to give the letter to who you wrote it to and you can share it with whomever you want to. When I was in therapy many of us shared them in class. I can still remember how silent it was when I read the letter to Eric and how many people were crying when I was done. As soon as I find the letter I will share it with you if you would like to see it. If not just tell me, my feelings will not be hurt, remember that this is about you and I am here to help you in any way I can. As always feel free to contact me with any questions of comments you might have. If I don't have your email, and if you are not a no-reply blogger, just leave me a comment that says to email you and I will send you my email so we can correspond that way.

Sha :)

The last word in HALT is Tired.

There are many ways we can be tired. We can be physically tired, mentally tired, emotionally tired or just plain sleepy.  The danger comes when we feel overwhelmed by life and can’t function productively anymore. This can put us and others at risk.

Think of tired as being empty, drained or at its very worst unable to feel. What would help you to not have these feelings? Seems to me that if you are empty you need to be filled up.  How do we fill up? The answer may surprise you.

I was told a few years ago that “you can’t give from empty” and it’s something that I truly believe in. Life is a series of give and take, as well as supporting others and receiving support from others. I find that if I ‘give’ of myself then I start to feel better about myself. Yesterday I wrote about a way to bring little bits of happiness to others, which in turn gives bits of happiness to ourselves. This is a way to ‘give’, to fill ourselves up. I know it seems weird that I am saying to give instead of take to get filled up, but in all reality you are taking by giving. It’s when we stop giving that we become empty.

Think of a time that someone was upset and wanted comfort. Did you help comfort them, perhaps even gave them advise? How did that make you feel? Did you feel good about helping them? I know that helping others, no matter what type of mood I am in always brightens my day. It's like what I wrote about yesterday, When I give someone even a little bit of happiness (which they get from my support) it brings me happiness. See I 'gave' of myself which made me feel good that I was able to help, which in turn 'filled' me up.

Heres another example:

I know that when my hubby comes home and I am in a bad mood that I feel more tired than before he came home. But if I great him nicely, no matter how stressful a day I have had, it makes both of us happy and more relaxed. See the pattern?

Hubby comes home from work à I great him with a scowl showing him the bad mood I am in à Makes me feel worse and puts him in a bad mood à still tired/empty

Or
Hubby comes home from work à I great him with a smile and happy greeting or even a hug and kiss à Gives him some happiness and makes me feel good about bringing him a bit of happiness à fills me up and I feel less tired/empty

It’s just like what I wrote about yesterday. Tired and Lonely can be worked on the same way. Isn’t that great? You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Tomorrow I will give you a tool to help you explore some of your feelings.

Sha J