Today I came to a realization...well its been stewing in my head for a while now, but I let it get the best of me today.
I am different than most people, I would say at least 90% of people, maybe more. I don't mean that my likes and dislikes are different, that uniqueness is what makes the world go round. I mean that I think differently than most people.
I used to say that there's no gray in my life, but I have changed it to there's only red, blue and yellow. I don't mix colors well. This is evident by my reluctance to do many things such as use scraps in my quilting, being able to shop at yard sales or even do anything on the spur of the moment. You should see me on vacation...I need everything planned well in advance. In other words I can't color outside the lines and usually stay way inside the lines just to be sure of not crossing that line.
I think its this that makes me feel afraid of many things. I don't know what would happen if I went over that line. Who would I let down? Would I be safe? Would I be able to recover if I was hurt or g-d forbid live with myself if my actions hurt someone else physically or emotionally.
Realizing this is hard to deal with and is breaking my heart a little. 6 weeks ago I was doing fine, making strides to have friendships with people and now I am becoming a hermit again. Yes the surgery might have helped move that along, but I don't think it's the prime cause. I just feel different. I also don't feel accepted for who I am but It's probably because I am not accepting of others. I have become judgemental, which I know comes off as a 'know it all' sometimes.
Why am I sharing this with you today? I don't really know why. I know I hurt another person who lives in my IPad that was friendly with. But really I would like your advise and understanding on how to handle these feelings. I figure I am always happy to dish out advise its about time I listen for a change.
Plus tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of my son Eric's passing. It's always such a hard time, but is even harder this year. I'm sure I will post all about him tomorrow.