Mistakes, Forgiveness & Anger

Have you ever made a mistake?
Have you ever apologized to someone for something you did to hurt their feelings?
Have you ever been on the receiving end of an apology?
I know the answers to these questions are yes for all of us.

When I first began this blog I talked about Giving Ourselves Permission to Make Mistakes

"I make mistakes, a lot. Do you make mistakes? The answer is yes. We all make mistakes, that's how we learn. I choose to think of mistakes as opportunities to grow. Think about it, when you are piecing a quilt and make a mistake the chance of making that mistake again is pretty slim. The same goes for recipes; if you put too much salt in a dish or cook it for too long you learn from that. I remind myself of those mistakes by making a note on the pattern or recipe page. You might be thinking that doesn't apply to everything but it most likely does, even for the big things. And the great thing about mistakes is that almost all the time they can be fixed or humbly apologized for, even if that apology is to ourselves. "

Click here to read the entire post.

But what do we do when some one apologizes to us? I bet quite a few of us don't know how to handle that and even though an apology was made, the bad feelings are still there. This is especially true for those of us that suffer from depression and anxiety. These bad feelings can feel like Anger. On page 12 - 16 you will find a self-awareness exercise dealing with anger. If you haven't done that part of the chapter now is a great time to set aside some time to do it. I find that writing the answers in the book helps me a lot.

I want to leave you with this thought...

To forgive is to give up the right to punish

What does that mean to you? I used to be the type that held onto those bad feelings and let myself wallow in the anger and pain. Once I truly understood this saying I began to understand that if I really forgave someone then I would have to stop punishing them either inwardly or outwardly. Outwardly meant that we could move on from there with no hard feelings. I would not show any anger towards them. But more importantly I would forgive inwardly and let go of those angry and hurt feelings. Remember that you are in control of your thought and feelings so you can decide to stop those feelings.

How are you doing with this chapter? Do you have any thoughts on it? I'd love to hear.
We will work on the Anxiety and Fear portion of the chapter in the next few days.

Setting Boundaries

Many people have trouble setting boundaries. How often does someone we know say something that hurts our feelings? How often do we know that they will say that exact thing that hurts our feelings? This is considered ‘Jumping to Conclusions’ and ‘Mind Reading’ (pg 9 of The Feeling Good Handbook). Once we understand that we are twisting our thinking by jumping to conclusions about what someone will say we can work to reverse it.

Today my Husband called a few people to come out and give us estimates on new garage doors, some electrical work we need done and new windows and doors. This was very exciting and definitely needed. I want to tell my Mom about this, but deep down I ‘knew’ what she would say…I could already hear it…”it’s about time”. While I love my Mom she can be slightly negative at times, but them whose Mom isn’t? I know I am at times with my kids and am working on that.  I almost didn’t call because I knew I would be upset or annoyed by the time I got off the phone. So I decided to set a boundary with her. When I called her I said “I have some news, but you are not allowed to say ‘It’s about time’ when I tell you the news”. Then I blurted it out and she didn’t say what I thought she would say, or anything for that matterJ. Then I said “isn’t that great?” and she chimed right in that it was. I know it just about killed her to not say what her first thought was, as a matter of fact she said something like that, but she survived. And I came away from the phone call feeling proud of myself for setting the boundary, excited that Mom was happy for me and hopeful that I might have taught her a little lesson too. Consider the other way this call could have went. She could have said what I thought she would say and I could have either let it slide or said something back to her. Neither would have made me feel good. By pre-planning this I was able to make this phone call a positive one. And it really only took a moment or 2 to plan.

Next time you jump to a conclusion about something that you ‘just’ know someone is going to say I challenge you to set a boundary for that person. How do you know if you are jumping to conclusions? Do you say “It won’t do any good” or “That’s just the way he/she is” or “It won’t change anything”? Those are all Mind Reading twisted thinking and setting boundaries will help reverse those feelings.  It can be done very nicely and respectfully. We need to teach those around us how to treat us. The more we let someone talk negatively to us, the more we are teaching them that it’s OK. It will take time and work to change this, but it can be done…one step at a time.

What do you think? Can you do this?

Sha :)